Dear Old Man,

Put down the drink for just a minute and listen to these wise words which I choose to impart. I am 23 now and presume that without a certain amount of guidance - and luck - you will be too stuck in your ways to prevent the onset of Grumphood (the period of time after Adulthood). Right at this moment you are suffering from numerous bodily failings, your toenails are long and disgusting since you can't be bothered to lean over and trim them; "If I was meant to bend over I would have been given a curved spine". Take heed now of these valuable words of advice and spare yourself a bitter and lonely existence.

Bear in mind as you enter the twilight years of your working life that whatever your colleagues tell you, it is never acceptable to sport a comb-over, hair piece, or any hamster-like material, even as a joke...(especially as a joke). At the same time, there is nothing wrong with going grey. Better to accept ones age with a smile than to wear a bleach blond beacon of middle-aged infertility and a cloud of industrial strength eau de cologne.

Be aware that there is no occasion requiring matching socks and handkerchief, nor is it likely that your clothes from twenty years ago are back in fashion. The older you get the more you need to spend on clothing - after all you should be able to afford a couple of bespoke suits, Jermyn Street shirts and some durable leather brogues. This is your standard uniform - deviate from it with caution and if you do then get advice from the best dressed of your children (your wife decides who this is).

More importantly, take time to smile more. It gets harder, sure, but you will forever be known as "that kindly, gentle old man" rather than "that grumpy arse". And instead of only watching dusty, nostalgia-coated television, embrace new and challenging work. Accept beforehand that you won't understand it, but don't isolate yourself from your grandchildren or children. They want to spend time with you, but they want to do it on equal terms, and not have their face squashed into piles of photos and their ears singed from ridiculous tales from the past.

That's another thing - refrain from telling stories, anecdotes, or jokes at all costs. Don't dance, except at appropriate functions, and even then keep your arms close to your body and maintain your feet at shoulder-width apart. If you get the urge to jiggle and shamon then do it in the privacy of your own home like the orgy-folk and other perverts. While on this subject, be warned that staring at young girls is not acceptable unless you have checked their ID first. If you still have any lusty urges (unlikely) then stick a porn mag under your mattress (the old ones tricks are still the best) or buy a work of art that includes the word 'virgin' in its title. This pseudo-porn is acceptable at your age and you can look at it as much as you like and be praised for your culture and taste.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, embrace with both hands the new technologies that your peers have invented. Yes, they are complicated, and yes you need to wear glasses and moan to all those around you how things seem to have gotten smaller since your day - but PERSEVERE. Accept that despite your many failings, both of character and misfortune, that you truly did give it your best shot and that any deep-rooted regrets are mere limitations of your persona. Tuck those neatly away in the back of your mind; open your laptop and using your newfound techno-skills buy concert tickets to your grandchildren's' favourite band. Give them the tickets and treat them to a family dinner at a nice restaurant a few hours before the concert starts. You will get so much satisfaction from engaging them at their own level - just don't go and ruin it all by calling it a 'gig'.


Ben Lamy