Falling in love is easy, right? You meet a girl, fall in love and get married...simple! Well perhaps if you happen to be living in a 1950's movie. For the rest of us in the real world, it's far more likely that you meet a girl and eventually meet her children and together you have to negotiate the mine field that becoming a step parent can be.

The number of single parent households are increasing year on year and so if you have the idea that you would never date someone with 'baggage' or 'children' as I prefer to call them, good luck to you my friend because as you get older, the likelihood of being able to maintain that ideal seems less and less achievable.

She's Mine, Not Yours

You should bear in mind that if your girlfriend has an older child, there will probably be some resentment about having to share mum's attention with a newcomer (that would be you). Just as a new baby can create some sibling rivalry, mum's new partner can create feelings of jealousy. To alleviate this you may want to allow them some one-on-one time, don't expect to have 100% of your girlfriend's time. Bear in mind that you're Johnny-Just-Come in the family.

'Go To Your Room'

I would suggest leaving disciplining the child to the biological parents. Most children will find it difficult to accept you as disciplinarian initially. Once things have developed, you are comfortable with one another and you have gained the child's respect, this can change. However, refer to mum for how and when a child needs to be disciplined. You don't have to be a complete softie but neither do you want to storm in with new rules and punishments - aim to be a support for mum and not a Sergeant Major in the child's eyes.

Bite Your Tongue

No-one wants to hear their parents spoken off badly. Even if the child's biological father is a deadbeat; think it but don't say it. It's not necessary for you to point out each and every one of the child's father's inadequacies. It would be wiser to focus on establishing a relationship with the child rather than alienating them with comments about child maintenance, missed access visits etc. Even worse would be to say how much the child is like their father after you've been bad mouthing him all day.

Everything She Wants

You may feel that showering the child with gifts and attention is the way to go - an easy way to win them over and paint yourself in a positive light with mum but you'd be wrong. I would suggest that although a teen will accept your gifts (who wouldn't?) they'll also smell the desperation. You're time and effort would be better spent in other ways - perhaps find out what things they like to do and try to get involved in this way.

I'm not going to lie to you and say that it's easy to carve your niche in a ready-made family, but if you're relationship stands a chance of surviving, it'll be worth the effort.

Written by donna@crumbsformen.com